Love For a Dead Man
by R. Milo
Summary: When Nuriko dies, the senshi are left with a feeling of unfinished buisness. They go one by one to confess their thoughts to the grave of the dead man. (Song fics)
1. Hotohori

POV: Hotohori

Disclaimer: Dont own fuigi yuugi

song belongs to the smashing pumpkins

_Who am I to need you when I'm down  
where are you when I need you around  
your life is not your own_

The grave marker that stuck out of the snow was the only thing that wasn't white for acres. The snow was expansive and standing in the middle of it was humbling. The tears that had begun to form in my eyes were warm against the cold wind that was blowing snow into my face. I took off my glove and reached out my hand to feel the grain of the wood on the marker. The air and wind bit at my skin, numbing my fingers. I didn't care though. I nearly smiled as I felt the engraved name.

"Nuriko." the whisper was taken from my lips by the wind. The tears that had welled in my eyes fell, freezing almost instantly on my cheeks. I hit the snow; repeatedly my fists hit the icy ground, causing flakes to fly into my face.

"I am so sorry Nuriko! I should have never let you go." I let my frozen fingers trail over the marker once more, wanting it to be his face. "I should have told you when I had you."

_And all I ask you  
is for another chance  
another way around you  
to live by circumstance, once again_

_Who am I to need you now  
to ask you why to tell you no  
to deserve your love and sympathy  
you were never meant to belong to me_

I pictured his smile, the one I had taken for granted. I had always thought there would be another time to see it. I had always thought, he would be there. I had been a selfish man. I held onto the dream that the priestess would come from where ever it was she came from and love me. Would take away my pain and accept my love. I did not love the priestess when she came and that frightened me. The love I thought I had for her my whole life was all I had had for ten years.

"It was you I loved Nuriko! I had tried to make myself love her even though my heart was unsatisfied by the thought of only her for the rest of my life." I lay down in the snow, my head next to where his was buried six feet down. "I was afraid."

_Who am I to you?  
Along the way,  
I lost my faith_

"When I realized that I loved you I was even more afraid. I knew that as emperor I was destined to marry to birth an heir. You were a man and our love, no matter how strong would never be accepted by the country or council. I kept up the façade of love for Miaka as responsibility as a ruler, but I loved you as a man."

_and as you were, you'll be again  
to mold like clay, to break like dirt  
to tear me up in your sympathy  
you were never meant to belong to me  
you were never meant to belong to me  
you were never meant to belong to me_

I sat up, the fabric of my robes frozen. I took my sword from its sheath and watched as the sun hit the metal, the light reflecting the perfect snowy sky. In my cold hand, I took my long braid and sliced it off at the base of my neck.

"Nuriko, I could not have you in life. I loved you, but you will never know that now. We must not have been meant for each other." I wound the braid around the base of the grave marker and stood up. "Love is a mystery to me still."

_Who am I?_


	2. Tauski

POV: Tauski

Disclaimer: I don't own Fusigi Yuugi or its characters

The song is Losing My Religion by REM

_Life is bigger_

_its bigger than you _

_and you are not me_

_the lengths that I would go_

_to the distance in your eyes_

_oh, no iv'e said too much_

_I set it up_

I sat there as if I was an ice sculpture. I didn't know what to say. I wanted so badly to beat something; I wanted to feel the anger slowly slipping from my body through my fists. I wasn't raised to show my feelings through anything but violence. Maybe that is why I am angry so much.

"What do ya think Nuri? Is that why I'm such an asshole?" My eyes traced the figures of his name, as elaborate as he was in life. "It has never been the same with out ya. Everybody thinks so." Why couldn't I even say it to him then, now that he was dead? I was afraid of saying too much, and going too far. But there wasn't any further to go now, there was nothing to make out of it. It was too late to go too far.

"Nuri, I love ya. I didn't know it before, but I do." I felt my shoulders shaking and touched my cheeks. Tears. "I am sorry! Okay?"

_That's me in the corner_

_That's me in the spotlight_

_Losing my religion_

_Trying to keep up with you_

_And I don't know if I can do it_

_Oh, no I've said too much_

_I haven't said enough_

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to calm my anger. I ripped at it and screamed, not very loud though. The dry, cold air had hurt my throat.

"It is my fault! I should have come with ya; I shouldn't have let ya go. I am sorry I couldn't keep up and I am sorry I could tell ya before!" I pounded at the snow, clawing at the ice underneath. I wanted to see him, but my fingers became numb and I sobbed. "Why didn't ya see that I loved ya? Why did I let ya die, how could I lose ya so soon"

_I thought that I heard you laughing_

_I thought that I heard you sing_

_I think I thought I saw you try_

"I can't get ya out of my head Nuri. I see your smile and hear your voice everywhere. I have been everywhere, as far as I could get from ya and where ya had been, but I can never get far enough to forget ya."

_Every whisper_

_Of every waking hour_

_I'm choosing my confessions_

_Trying to keep an eye on you_

_Like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool_

_Oh, no I've said too much_

_I set it up_

"It is hard to think about anything else. Ya have taken over my life, even as a dead man and I still can't get it back from ya. Jesus Nuri! I feel so heavy." I leaned over the grave marker that stuck out of the ground, my face inches from the wood. "I want to be with ya, but I am afraid that if I die, I won't find ya."

_Consider this_

_The hind of the century_

_Consider this_

_The slip that brought me_

_Too my knees, failed_

_What if all these fantasies_

_Come flailing around_

_Now I've said too much_

"I said I'm sorry Nuri! Please, I am here now for ya! I'm on my knees begging ya to love me! I will do anything, I will give all I am to see ya again and tell ya like a man that I love ya. I dream of you every night! You never talk to me Nuri! You just smile that goddamned smile that you never fucking gave to me!" I wiped at my cheeks, the frozen tears not falling. I didn't mean to be so angry, I didn't mean to be so spiteful, but he never smiled like that at me.

"You know which one I mean don't you? The one you gave to the emperor and Miaka, the one I wanted for myself, the one that I wanted to give back! Why not me?"

_I thought that I heard you laughing  
I thought that I heard you sing  
I think I thought I saw you try  
But that was just a dream  
that was just a dream_

I took deep breaths, running my fingers over the spot where he was buried.

"Nuri it's real cold here. Are ya cold down there? Under all the ice and snow? I want to hold you and make you warm again; I want you to be here where I can see you. It is too late now though. Isn't it. I too a small bundle of flowers from the inside of my jacket, it was no bigger than my hand.

"They are forget-me-nots Nuri, because I don't want to forget ya. I will always love ya Nuri, I can promise ya that.' I leaned over and put them beside the grave marker, on top of the coil of dark hair the emperor had placed at some point before he died. I ran my finger one last time along the name inscribed on the memorial, then stood and walked away. After a few feet, I turned and saw the blue dot in the snow, "Good-bye Nuri. I guess I will see ya only in dreams."


End file.
